Kay

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If you plan on being with a SE Asian woman, congrats! I like your decision and the dynamic works really well. BUT, I think it's important to understand some of the frequent issues that do happen, and how to avoid them. While it's easy to say that financial issues and infidelity are key reasons for divorce anywhere, I think the difference here is that you have a better chance to avoid the issues if you're smart. If a woman in your home country wants to find a guy with more money, or starts banging a guy at work I'm not sure you have a lot of control over that. What it mainly comes down to here: Is establishing that you will not tolerate being treated less than or worse than she would treat you if you're a local man. It is likely that you will treat her better than the local men she's been with have, so the least she could do is treat you as well as she did them. Yet I think the opposite happens entirely too much. Here are some key points to consider:Justifications:There's a lot of justifications going on, and many are preposterous. You need to close the lid on all of them immediately. Here are some examples of how she might justify things:1) "I know a local guy would pay $600 sin sot (dowry) to my family to marry me, but my fiancé comes from a wealthier country and he should pay much more than that, maybe $6,000." I touched on this in a recent post. I would probably go as high as paying double just to avoid drama in this situation, though still unfair, but i routinely hear of Western men paying $30,000 to a girl who no local man would pay any money to because of her past. That's abusive, and if you do that, you are really opening the door to massive problems for the duration of your marriage.2) "I will never cheat on this man.....with a foreigner. He probably wouldn't even mind if i cheat a little with the local guys i call my cousin sometimes. I'm sure he sees ladies of the night once in a while, though i have no proof of this. So ya, i'll show him the respect of never cheating with another foreigner, only local men." And as insane as this sounds, it is very common. Any strange relationships your girl has with a local should be treated the same way that you would if you had a western gf/wife who was acting strange with a cousin who you have no proof is even a cousin. The hilarious thing is that i know of several girls who got caught doing this and were genuinely stunned when the husband left. They really thought it shouldn't count. I blame the girl; believe me I do. And I'm not victim blaming, but i want to point out that if the man had a serious talk with the girl before getting serious, and said, "any infidelity will be met with you arriving at your grandmother's with nothing other than a bookbag with some socks and a shirt," I think she'd have a lot harder time justifying things. Be very clear, and it's even OK to be repetitive.Note 1 -- You cannot be scared. Some girls will use a bad attitude to get around these talks. "Why you tell me this, you making me angry. I don't want to hear it." Too f'n bad! You're investing your time, heart, reputation, and finances. A few business talks are necessary, and if she can't handle them SHE'S NOT THE ONE.Note 2 - If you are a degenerate cheat, and she didn't know she was going to get that from you, and then you find out she banged the pool boy, then you're both in the wrong. Now if you explain to her in the beginning that you are going to see ladies casually and very behind the scenes, and that she can choose not to be with you if she can't handle it, and she says it's OK, that's something different. Many women here will be ok with that as long as it's framed very early. She could change her mind, and she'd have a right to do that; but in that case I'd hope she would at least tell you that if you don't stop she's going to leave, rather than just cheating on you to get even. In any case, this is 2025, juggling multiple love interests is insane - your wife can see where you are every second of your life now. Just stop. But also don't accept her doing anything bad either, obviously. * Sad to say there are some WEstern men who are ok with it as long as it's with a local guy, who don't even cheat themselves. And that's just sooooo awful. You can't be that guy.Wifely duties:For some reason, it just seems like it's easier for a woman here to be less patient and less nice to a foreign man than with a local. As I had mentioned before, they might even be significantly more jealous. Some guys attribute this to the girls being more afraid to act up. There's a bit of truth to that, but i think more than anything it comes down to a lack of respect. I think it's very important for a guy to set the ground rules early and often: you do not tolerate being treated like a chiild, and you do not tolerate being disrespected. At least not anymore so than she'd treat a local.Note - Just having the "I will not accept you treating me worse than you'd treat a local guy" is actually a powerful thing that few guys would ever say. But it needs to be said. There is this belief that WEstern guys are more willing to be treated badly, and for some strange reason, a lot of girls push that to its limits.IF a woman here is married to a local, she will almost always do all of the housework, and she'll take pride in it. For some reason the girls I see not doing that tend to be married to Westerners. And it seems like the worst offenders were with many Western men. It's as if their connection to their cultural femininity erodes more and more with each Western man they spend time with. Try to find women who lack experience with Western men if at all possible.Getting abuused Financially:I'm really tired of hearing about how Western men go visit their gf's family in the village and leave feeling like they just had a horrific weekend in Las Vegas. They go to what is likely the cheapest place they could ever imagine, and somehow wind up spending $3,000 USD. I've discussed this before; you really can't let this happen. The whole village will basically take as much from you as you're willing to have taken until you say NO MORE. And some guys are incapable of saying NO MORE. They will push the limits. Some girls don't like that this happens to their man, but you know what..they're not telling people to STFU are they? They kind of let it happen.That's not the only way this goes down. The entitlement that some women here have with Western men spending on them is just not in the same galaxy as what happens when they're with local guys. And i know that there's a difference in assets, but that's no reason for a girl to DEMAND you spend big money on her and her family, whereas she expected her ex to spend almost nothing. Whereas they may try to help build up their local husband; a lot of women feel ok to spend the Western guy down to 0, almost acting like there is no 0, and then in the small chance that it happens they could easily just bail.It happens too much and I hate it. It's certainly not all girls. But this happens a lot for two reasons:1) Because Western men are often pairing with the worst SE ASian women by finding them in tourist friendly/questionable places/venues.2) Because Western men are not willing to insist on financial convo's early and often.Bottom Line:Listen, I didn't even get into the "your girl probably gave her ex a massage every day and you're lucky if she gives you one a year. I mean, TRUE, lol. But you have bigger things to worry about. If you're an older guy and out of shape and you're with a pretty 25 year old girl, she could easily fall in love with you. HOWEVER, why did she go on a date with you on day 1? Is it because you're soooo handsome? Come on. She went with financial incentive. Again, she could certainly love how nice you are and love your personality, and she could fall in love with you, and even find attraction there. But it's that first date motivation that you can never forget. Because she'll never forget it. And the truth is that if that girl was with a local guy 30+ years older, she'd likely have similar expectations as well.Just be reasonable:You can't expect perfectly fair 10000% of the time from any human. IF her ex was 22 and you're 52, guess what: you're going to spend more money on her than he did. IF her ex was a good-looking local guy and you haven't' taken care of yourself, guess what: she might not be as sexually attracted to you, at least early on. So you have to have some flexibility. Like i said, older local men would have different expectations to, so i think you'd want to mirror those expectations. But you're not a punching bag, you're not Santa Claus, and there is no upside in letting someone abuuse you.